I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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