I think I died a long time ago.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My life is pants optional.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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