I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
