we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
