What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize