I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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