Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
