Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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