Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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