I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
