i just wanna soil my oats bro
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
