Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
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