There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
