dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
