Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
