i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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