the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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