My friends, they love my intelligence
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
