How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
