i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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