i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
