my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As shirtless as possible
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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