You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
