New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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