I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
