I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
