We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
