I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found puke in my bra..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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