My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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