Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i now understand why vodka
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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