she looked like the before picture.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
