Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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