I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
