What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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