I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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