Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
