remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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