my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Do you remember whose house we're in?
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