Please, let me fuck your mom
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
