i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
