i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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