You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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