I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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