allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
