If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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