I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
