is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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