I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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