i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
