I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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