is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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