Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
