New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
