i already hear my dad disowning me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
