i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
me + whiskey = a bad person
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
