i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
