Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
